Losing trust ... lost it altogether.
Gone to the either extreme but my own self outshines the grotesque experienced and weathered reflex of my brain every now and then.
And then it hurts. Inside me I still feel like trusting everyone who approaches me with a smile. My brain almost beats me up to a coma when I try doing that. I don't trust them, if I tell them, it'll come to them as a blow and I can't be so cruel.
Used to being cruel just to myself
my own self...

No flowery prose, just what I couldn’t hold back…

God, I’ve never felt this greedy in my life. A greed for his sense of prescience and foresight. Wish he was my own true brother. Maybe God didn’t give me one because he was taken already. The big guy up there knows me, won’t settle for second best!
I wish I had his sense of knowing what people are made of. This is one thing I lack. He is SUCH an inspiration. My dreams, my tantrums and seemingly stupid visions since childhood, today’s session tells me, I’m not brewing a pot of stones, not building a cobweb of fairytales to keep my fantasy land alive. Tantrums come to life if you work on them. Work work work. Just gave me a boost. I can achieve what I dream of. I can, and I will. And one day I’ll go up to him and tell him, I owe this to you.

is this it?

Hey big guy up there? Makin everythin' go round;
is this it?
we all have our own thresholds, our own limits, our own set of rules eh?
why do some people get away with so much and the rest?
run off with the Gringotts' gold medallions and move on, try sneaking off with a dime and ye gets caught right by the collar that's ready to fall off on its own!
but then the gold taketh thy glee and the torn collar keeps the glint in the eye alive
... not a bad deal!

what you see, you believe not
what it seems, it deems not
you see and cower from it, pass it by like a pebble by the roadside, talk of the weather instead. When it comes blowing down the building, you stand and watch in remorse. Why the awe, why the surprise, why astonishment? You saw it coming you un-saw it. It breaks your back, suits you well enough.
Thy shalt not get what thee did not give out, baby!
I'm being cruel? Why who isn't? Isn't that what life's all about? Being thrown down here, out of the heavens.
but
that too was a punishment wasn't it ... ?

Strength is what I needed.
Allah gave me HIS strength.
What else do I need to be sure of?

But satan keeps taking his blow. It's so so strong.
But since we're all here to play, let the games begin ...

"Life it seems to fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else ..."

I did my best.
It wasn't good enough.
Will I ever be ENOUGH for a man?
Can any woman ever be enough for the ogre called man?
If this ever happens again, I know I'll hafta live with it.

but breathing won't ever feel the same again ...

Life is such a scrambled code.
Takes you a lifetime to unscramble it and once you do, if you ever, by then maybe you don't even need it around.
I just wish I could run away, far off. For a long time.
Somewhere new, to start afresh ...

Such a pot pourri of thoughts, bubbling in the cauldron of what i hold high upon my shoulders. I don't know what to think. What I should be thinking, stifles and chokes me, harrowing me to the coming alive of some darkest possible consequences. However, what fancies my attention is what i shouldn't be thinking. But why shouldn't? I don't know, this guilt, this unknown feel of ... but it's not wrong... Does everything that makes me happy, HAVE to be wrong?

I exist for myself and my Allah. Whatever, whoever comes in my way, I'll help them, love them if it doesn't unlove me. But nothing will hinder me ever again from keeping myself and God happy.
Satan will keep a close eyeand maybe at times, he'll win too, but from this day forth, two will play this game!

Where you gotta go, you gotta go. No matter how hard you try, "the moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on. Nor all thy piety nor all thy tears, shall lure it back to cancel half a line..."
Your feet and fate carry you to places you're destined to see.

Why is it that when i lie on the bed, trying to lull my tired self to sleep
all the depressions in my life come rushing to me.
I lay there, awake in the midst of darkness
fearing a darker tomorrow.

Colour seems to have drained from my surroundings. I am living, I am happy, I am fine
Just a little space right by my side ...

Iron jawed angels

This movie based on nothing but sheer history today, gives me a reason to live. What do I bawl my eyes out for? I stood up to my husband, put my foot down, breaking loose because I found out he wasn’t exactly the person I had perceived him to be? A few suitcases of clothes gone to waste, some matching shoes to go with them and jewels for the big day. And I have the audacity to call myself in trouble? I declare I’m the one in pain, betrayed by the man I loved to bits and that life seems meaning less, bull shit!
Alice Paul, physically hurt, force fed through her hunger strike.
218 women in jail for obstructing traffic while they stood a quiet protest at the pavement outside the white house for the women sufferings and a demand for women votes in the United States.
The Senator’s wife, Emily Layton survives hunger strike, toughest possible situations in jail and custody of her two daughters by her democrat husband who does not approve of her siding with the Suffragists.
They accomplished what they set out for. They lived for their cause and were willing to die for it.
“Suffering women are worse than anti-suffragists” said Alice Paul. Today, as I raise my voice against something I feel is not fair to me and I don’t feel like succumbing to it, I side with the suffragists. I stand next to Alice Paul, Lucy Burns and those 30 women that took it to their heart and soul to win the right for women to vote. To be part and parcel of the nation, not just for healing wounds and rolling out bandages but for taking pleasure in being a citizen of the United States. To ensure the comprehensive adaptation of democracy irrespective of any gender prejudice.
All leading to the liberation and empowerment of the young girl, who grows up learning to take care of all around her but herself. Making her realize, she has to take care of herself too. She deserves a place she likes in the play pen, she’s worthy of the front seat she wants at school, she ought to have the right to study what she wishes and be who she wants to be one day. She, earns a position befitting a man in this vicious gentleman’s world. She is human too.

Man plans and God laughs at it. Life slips away as if that's the way to be. But that's when you truly begin to live, once everything seems to be over and the little butterfly of hope flits out of sight. Life begins when you actually think you're through with it.

Something I scribbled quite some time ago ...

"Life is to endure what you loathe & to yearn for what you desire. Your dreams are nothing but an infamy of your subconscious where your wants emerge and are eventually buried unfulfilled."